Day 44 100words100days write a how-not-to, such as How not to become a bridesmaid

Well, that was fun! 418 words.

So many people I know are getting married, including one of my younger cousins (she weds next month).

I’ve been a bridesmaid just once, and I’m fine with that. But there are a couple of people I expect to ask me. However, I won’t hold it against them if they don’t.

*

How not to be a bridesmaid

Being a bridesmaid is not everybody’s flute of champagne. Some people are just not cut out to be part of the bridal entourage. Good for you if you know that the responsibility for the rings and bouquets and colour scheme cannot be safely entrusted to you. Not everyone has your level of maturity. Some people still think weddings are fun. These people are also the kind to think they might meet their soul mate at someone else’s knot-tying. Let us pause for a moment to swallow this strange truth-fiction.

Depending on the situation you are in, the resources you have available, and the relationships you are willing to destroy, you can choose one of these routes to not be a bridesmaid:

1. Say no when you are asked. Do it consistently, and soon people will stop asking you. Do it graciously and they will still love you and might send you a Save-the-Date. However, if you never want to see them again, and if you definitely don’t want to be invited to the do, throw a tantrum

2. Do a bad job- a very very very bad job- the first time you are guilted into joining the bridal party. For example, you could “accidentally” stub a cigarette out on the ivory/cream/eggshell gown.

3. Ensure that your job takes you out of the country at the time of the wedding, or make up a story about having to travel for work. Alternatively, if you do not live near the nuptial location, find a reason to stay where you are. Let the bride know about this as close to the wedding as you want to (your proximity to the bride is inversely proportional to how much in advance you let her know you can’t be part of the troupe)

4. Record yourself badmouthing the bride and or groom and anonymously send the recording to them, or to their family

5. Come up with reasons why each choice for the bridesmaids’ dresses is hideous. Even better, go the extra mile and make it known how incredibly lame you think the entire theme, scheme and meme are

In short, do not do the thing bridesmaids are supposed to do, i.e. support the bride. If she doesn’t think she can trust you to catch her bouquet when it falls, and to hold up her dress and retouch her make-up, and starve with her to look stunning for her big day, she definitely will not ask you to take the plunge with her.

*

Day 45: Riding a bike/driving a car for the first time

Day 24 100words100days Fracture a fairytale

426 words- yay! A twist in the tale of Snow White.

*

Era uma vez, a baby with raven black hair,  pale white skin, and lips as red as scarlet roses was born to a royal couple. This babe never met her mother, because the unfortunate lady passed away soon after she brought her daughter Raven Black into the world.

Raven was a typical child: she played with swords and dolls, ran around her castle, and had moments of both pronounced masculinity and pronounced femininity.

Her father could not bear to see his child not take to the role of simpering princess, so he sent her off into the Forest hoping she would learn to be more docile from the harsh experience. He told his daughter that the idea was her stepmother’s, an unkind untruth that broke his new wife’s heart.

As she wandered through the forest, little Raven came across a little house in which seven men lived together. They couldn’t help it- the rent on the house was fairly economical. It was better than a bed-space arrangement in the crowded city of the Forest. They could only spare a little drawer for her to sleep in, which she graciously accepted.

One day, when she was out collecting mushrooms and weeds for their paleo supper, she found a juicy Granny Smith. Raven, being the child she was, took a bite of the apple without washing it first. This was a big mistake. The apple still had pesticide residue on it and Raven began vomiting violently. She passed out (not away), the apple rolling under a bush where it decayed and that was the end of the GMO pesticide-laden fruit. One of the seven men found Raven, and carried her home, weeping as un-creepily as he could.

She was kept alive in a magically-induced coma. The inhabitants of the Forest hoped she would wake, but they didn’t know what remedy would work. You see, none of them knew what had caused her to faint (the apple having rolled out of sight).

A precocious male child heard the tale of the undead royal Raven. He got on his high horse and gallopped to where she was being cared for. He jumped down, swung his cape over his shoulder, and strode over to her bed. He knelt down beside her and placed a loud kiss on her scarlet lips.

Raven Black immediately awoke. She sat up straight in bed, coughed up the apple piece, slapped the male child, and shoved the fruit bit into his mouth. She shuddered. “Cooties”, she said, watching him as he lay unconscious on the floor.

*

Day 25- Retell a classic in words of one syllable

Day 17 100word100days Pick a proverb and write a pseudo-serious article

249 words containing intent that I do not subscribe to (except on those very, very, very gloomy days.)

Never do any good

The world has become a complicated, unworthy place. Rose Tynt-Glaasis delves into why therapists are now telling their patients “Not to bother”.

Ancient wisdom tells us that No good deed ever goes unpunished. Research recently concluded by the Institute for the Study of Human Error, Laziness and Lack of Interest (IS-HELL) suggests that this is true. Almost all those who were surveyed by IS-HELL said they had been targeted for their good deeds (and well-meant deeds, as well), even to the point of being cyber-bullied and getting extra work to do.

Even those who had not yet had the chance to do anything good felt pressured to shy away from it. An overwhelming 90% of respondents claimed they had been unable to offer anyone a free lunch, because of the burden of the other party’s expectation of having to return the favour.

The most frequent internal response after committing a good deed has now become shame and self-loathing (43%), followed by pain and suffering (29%), intense discomfort (21%) with a small percentage (7%) still maintaining that doing something nice or good made them feel warm and fuzzy.

This has led psychiatrists all over the world to discourage acts of kindness, compassion, and empathy by their patients. “We have been forced to take this decision because we are at risk of exposing our patients to more pain and heartache,” said Dr. Phil Maipane. “It was something we fought against for a long time. Finally we gave in, because resistance is futile.”

*

Day 18: A conversation between a noun and a pronoun

Day 13 100words100days Make a list of ways the average person can be an Earth steward

Ahhhh, the how-to. I didn’t want to put a number in the title, because I like to be contrary on occasion. 375 words.

*

Are you a current inhabitant of Planet Earth? Congratulations! You have the necessary qualification to be an Earth steward. All you need is a little dedication to this funny little spheroid and her people, and you are good to go.

You require only minimal training to fulfill your duties. Much of the knowledge that will help you do your job well can be gained from other people through such means as talking to them, reading books and articles they have written and understanding why some of them refuse to get involved.

Detailed below is the job description. You may perform all or some of these duties, as you are able to.

• Educate somebody about the benefits of looking after the environment. Make sure you do this properly. Beware: you don’t want to come across as bossy, because this will detract from the positive work you are trying to do. (#TrueStory)
• Recycle, upcycle. This includes accepting gifts that are recycled or upcycled. Money is sometimes a better gift than a poorly-assembled, though thoughtful, present. Related: Do not shame a recycler.
• Reduce, but always bear in mind that you are also a steward of the economy. Consume responsibly.
• Accept that not everyone wants your lifestyle. Keep telling them that they have to accept that you don’t want theirs either. Dialogue is important, as is setting a good example.
• Encourage policy makers and businesses in your village, town or city to adopt practices that are good for the planet. Every little bit counts, but the big bits count more.
• Prepare to do a little to a lot of research. Some suggestions: Calculate your carbon footprint and work on reducing it. Find out what a carbon footprint is.
• Invest your money in clean technology and programmes encouraging clean development. A solar charger for your phone, perhaps.
• Don’t waste, especially what is on your plate. If you can’t eat it in the restaurant, take it home.

Regarding your appraisals- future generations of animals (including humans and humanoids) and plants will judge you.

As for remuneration, you will be paid in clean air and water, a prosperous green economy, and not so many natural disasters (if you’re lucky). A possible, but not promised, bonus: you might get to save the world.

*

For tomorrow, Day 14: Write a sonnet . Or two.

Oh dear. That will not be easy.